• About Me
  • Contact
  • What’s in a name?

dreamprayact

~ Reflections of a preacher, poet, and contemplative activist

dreamprayact

Monthly Archives: February 2021

The sting of death

26 Friday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

death, end of life, grief, life after loss, one flesh, woundedness

Tomorrow will be one month since Dal died. In all of our nineteen years together we were never apart for more than two weeks. This is our longest separation and it’s only going to grow longer. I cannot make sense of it. I appear to be alive – I’m breathing by some miracle, I’m seeing friends and talking to people, I’m walking the dog, I’m eating occasionally, although I’ve lost twenty pounds – yet I don’t feel very alive. Contrary to the Bible, death does in fact sting! Not only does it sting, but it renders the one left behind feeling mortally wounded.

Dal and I talked about the end of life sometimes, and we always agreed that we needed to go out together because neither of us could imagine life without the other. We understood the foolishness of this thinking, of course; nonetheless, it was our way of naming how deeply connected we felt to one another, as though we were one flesh. Indeed, we were, and that flesh has been torn asunder.

The reality is, as I sit here in this home we created together, as I contemplate this life we built together, as I recall the future we dreamt of together, it all keeps coming back to this – I don’t know how to live in this world without her, not really. I can’t see the way forward. I can’t imagine ever feeling whole again. Often, I’m not even sure I have the desire to live. What’s the point? This is not me being suicidal. It’s me plumbing the depths of my grief where my desire to live lies beaten and bloodied, struggling to get back up. 

Clouds

25 Thursday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

artistic vision, cloud formations, delight, dreams, memories

You were playing in the clouds today
as cottony puffs were slowly teased apart
and feathery wisps were pulled out along the edges
of a dramatic blue canvas of endless sky
where your artistic vision could be unfurled.

So many times, you pointed out cloud formations
and marveled at their enchanting possibilities
for holding both memories and dreams
as you paused in awe before each intricate display
and wondered why delight didn’t meet everyone here.

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson
For Dally

Ashes

22 Monday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

ashes, earth, eternity, grief, mortality, weeping

Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
take on new meaning
when the phone rings
and a cheerful voice on the other end
informs me that my wife’s ashes are ready

ready to be picked up
ready to be brought home
ready to remind me of all I have lost
ready to humble me before my own mortality
ready to make me weep at the sight of them
ready to strip me down to my core
ready to reveal the naked truth

our bodies return to earth’s body
our finished flesh is accepted back into earth’s sacred folds
we are never merely our own
we are made of star dust and earth dust
we live in eternity’s flow

ashes to ashes
dust to dust

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson

The only thing to do

18 Thursday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

death, devotion, grief, loss, sorrow

There is no adequate consolation right now
There is no this is going to get better
There is no lessening of the sorrow
I cannot see the path forward
Only darkness, nothingness
I see no future
No home for me
Not without my beloved
Though I am told there is one

I am also told she lives now in my heart
Or that she lives on in the memories we made
Or that she will always be with me in spirit
None of which is enough right now
I want her
Her body, her mind, her sprightly spirit
Only her presence soothes me
Only she gives a day meaning beyond itself

Being a partner with her in life meant everything
She was my safe harbor in the storm
She knew me better than anyone ever has
She loved me fiercely in spite of my shortcomings
She was protective of me and of our love
She spoke so endearingly to me and about me
In the absence of these, who am I

Most of all she made my heart sing
Especially watching her love this life
A life we were creating together
And seeing her revel in genuine friendships
And laughing with such ease
And appreciating the small gifts hidden within each day
And hearing her tender words to me
And tasting her sweet lips
And feeling her body next to mine
There is no consolation for losing these things
There is no adequate measure to the loss I feel

In the meantime,
I will get up in the mornings as best I can
I will look for life wherever I can find it
If only for you, sweetheart
I will remember our devotion to one another
I will not lose sight of how deeply you loved me
I will grieve, and then grieve some more
It is the only thing to do
It is the only thing
You, Dally, make my heart sing
Though for now the song is awash in tears

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson

A letter to my love

11 Thursday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

death, dying, grief, love, marriage, peace

Dallis & I on the Big Island November 2014
(Photo: Wendy Granger)

My dear Dallis,

Sweetheart, I know I told you as you were dying that everything would be okay … that I would be okay … but it was a lie. I don’t like lying to you and I didn’t intend to do so; I was just trying to convince myself, and I was telling you what I thought you needed to hear so that you could let go and be released from a body that was failing you. But now I am utterly heartbroken. I feel completely lost without you. I want so badly to hear your voice again. I want to kiss your lips. I want to hold you and be held by you.

What touched my life so thoroughly during our love affair and marriage is how you would look at me with such affection in your eyes it melted my heart. You brought me to tears so many times just by being honest with me about how you felt. We told each other our deepest truths. We relied on one another to always care most about the other. 

I can’t believe how lucky I was to have you in my life for nineteen years. If I had known sooner that our time together was nearing the end, I would have stopped working earlier and devoted all my time to you … to us! I would have reveled all the more in your smile and laugh. I would have asked you to tell me more about the greatest joys of your life, all the way back. I would have wanted to watch your New Zealand slides with you, and have you regale me about that favorite adventure of yours, years before we met.

I would also have wanted to hear more about the places of pain and disappointment in your life, many of which I know about and others I imagine were left unsaid.

This grief hurts beyond imagining. I feel like I’m dying inside. I struggle just to do the simplest things and get through each day.

I wish there was a way to communicate with you, my beloved. I write these thoughts I’ve been thinking and wish I could get this message to you. You were the very one I needed in my life. You cheered my successes, savored our relationship, and gave me every bit of yourself to love and enjoy. You were my anchor, my safe haven, my source of lightheartedness and joy. 

I’m trying to figure out how to live without you near to me, your physical presence that is. I have never been through more painful days than these. A heavy sadness follows me everywhere, even to sleep. Nothing in my life experience compares to this aching I feel in body, mind and spirit.

Dallis, my beautiful one, it is my deepest hope that you are where there is no more pain and no more crying, and where you know deep and abiding peace. I also hope to see you often in my dreams.

You will always have my love,

Mark

When memories won’t do

08 Monday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

absence, comfort, faith, grief, memories

This is the hardest day yet.
I am worth nothing today.
The grief has gotten hold of me
and won’t let go.
There is an empty void
nothing and no one is able to fill.
It follows me around.
I want to go back to sleep
and wake up in the past.

My grief is complicated
by the fact that in my line of work
our lives are set forth as examples
of faith being lived out
in good times and in bad.
What if my faith isn’t holding up that well today?
What if I’m more than a little pissed with God?
What then?

As I hear from good people
trying to offer me solace
they don’t realize there is none to be found.
All the greeting card talk
of being comforted by memories
leaves me feeling comfortless
in these moments when it’s not memories I want.

I want her to peek around the corner and smile.
I want her hug that lingers and won’t let me go.
I want to hear her voice again calling me.
I want her laugh, unique and contagious.
I want her …
not memories of her …
but her.

This is where I am in this moment …
for better or for worse …
with tear-flooded eyes!
Dallis, my heart aches for you.

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson

The Sweetness of Life

05 Friday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Poems

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

compassion, happiness, love poem, sweetness of life

The world is a brighter place
with you in it.
The ocean is a deeper blue
for the color
you splash into my life.
The trees are a softer green
for the compassion
you offer me.

The road is a wider way
for the happiness
you spread before me.
Life is sweet
and sweeter still
with you
and only you.

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson
For Dallis Ann Day
June 2002

My Delight

04 Thursday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Poems

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

beauty, delight, grace

You are a fragrant rose in full bloom,
petals shimmering in the morning dew,
heart open wide to the awakening sun.

I lay my eyes on you and am made glad
for the sheer grace that is you.

Your scent floats on the air
with a sweetness I can almost taste.

You are beautiful.
You are my delight.

~ Mark Lloyd Richardson
For Dallis Ann Day
April 2002

Is this grief?

03 Wednesday Feb 2021

Posted by mark lloyd richardson in grief, Reflections

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

breast cancer, grief

A week ago, today, my beloved wife Dallis died.
Eight years after being diagnosed with Stage-4 breast cancer
suddenly she is gone.
She’s not sitting across the table from me at breakfast.
She’s not dancing in the living room to her favorite songs.
She’s not laughing on the phone with a friend.
She’s not holding me tenderly in her embrace.
She’s not filling my heart with her smile.

I don’t know what to do with this day that stretches before me.
There’s a list of things to do … but I hardly care.
I’m sure I’ll walk our dog Bailey … both he and I need it.
Otherwise, all bets are off.

Is this grief?
Not knowing how to be me without her?
Not believing she could really be gone?
Being unsettled by the ache in my heart?
Feeling broken into pieces?

Our future together
that once seemed so ripe with possibility
is now only a memory.
I am overcome with sadness.

Mark Lloyd Richardson

February 2021
S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28  
« Mar   Mar »

Recent Posts

  • New Recording 3
  • How Long?
  • Prayer to a Great Blue Heron
  • A Prayer for Our Country
  • Blessing for When You Don’t Know Where to Begin

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 558 other subscribers

Archives

  • August 2022
  • May 2022
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • March 2020
  • December 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • May 2019
  • February 2019
  • October 2018
  • August 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • February 2018
  • October 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • May 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012

Categories

  • Centering Prayer
  • Contemplative Life
  • Dogs
  • grief
  • Guest Blogs
  • Justice
  • LGBTQ
  • pastoral integrity
  • Peace with justice
  • Poems
  • Prayers
  • Reflections
  • Running
  • Sermon portions
  • Uncategorized
  • Worship Liturgy

Blog Stats

  • 49,138 hits

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Sacred Pauses

aprilyamasaki.com

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • dreamprayact
    • Join 342 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • dreamprayact
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...